Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”