Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.