Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Trumpy Cat

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.