Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

There’s always that one guy

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories