CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The two types of wives
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins