CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
What’s a Messi?
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.