Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.