Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
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Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me too
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out