Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

is he marrying that labradoodle

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

welp

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book