Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.