Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
They grow up so quick
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.