Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun