Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Mapping America’s Far Right
Lmaoo 😂
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️