Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
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I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My dad teaching me to drive
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?