Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
🤣
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I would like even faster food.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I need a headline like this
Never deleting this app.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.