Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
sry
these can’t be my only options
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”