Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty