Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
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I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.