cyclists
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Basically.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.