cyclists
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Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Natural selection at its finest
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?