cyclists
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
work smarter, not harder
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers