Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
You Might Also Like
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*