Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
doing some research
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll