Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator