Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.