Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head