Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Twitter fine art
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
is this store having a stroke wtf
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?