Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*