Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

me doing my best

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.