D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.