da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
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[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
October already? What’s next? November????
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips