Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Chemical wingman

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.