Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Pizza is an emotion right?

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.