Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
You Might Also Like
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Finally a use for spoilers…
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My wife has the worst taste in men.