Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

The news in a nutshell.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

yall want some gasoline milk

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”