Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
You Might Also Like
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
the rocks need my help
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”