Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

So sick of all these stupid rules

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

I only treason on days ending in y

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.