[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.