DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
You Might Also Like
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.