Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Lmaoo 😂

Me too, bag. Me too….

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache