Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you