“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
