“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Namaste
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.