Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other