“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what