“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You Might Also Like
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
