Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.