Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Before & after 😅

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.