“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
😆this is so true
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.