Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.