Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.