Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.