Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
You Might Also Like
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
