Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
You Might Also Like
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
wait a minute….
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)