Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
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I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
my one true gender
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.