Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
IT’S-A ME,
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Oh the world we live in…
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course