Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Can’t stop laughing
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE