Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.