Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
my name if I was in the mob
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Perfection.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’d love this…lol
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.