Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

✌🏽

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.