*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.