“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
You Might Also Like
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
So many pants.
So little yoga.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I bet
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.