“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
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Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
All generalizations are stupid.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.