“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
You Might Also Like
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.