“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.