Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭